We speak so much about raising great men – kind, gentle, open-minded, respectful men. We’ve heavily emphasised how parents should raise boys, I humbly question whether we equally focus on raising kind, generous, and graceful girls to become women who can match these men!
As a single mom, I am consciously raising my son to be the kind of man I always wanted – a man with a strong, deserving, and graceful spirit. This isn’t about saying no woman will ever be good enough for my son; rather, it’s about breaking stereotypes. And as mothers and fathers raising daughters, I plead with you to do the same. I read this saying from a mother to her son, and I believe it applies equally to all: “It took 9 months for me to form your heart – don’t let someone destroy it in a day.”
The men in my family have never been spoiled, egotistical, or arrogant. They’ve always carried their share of responsibilities, whether doing chores around the house, making meals, taking care of the kids, mowing the lawn, washing the cars, or joining in the kitchen while cooking, laughing, and chatting with music playing in the background. This I took as the given, every man you interact with would be this, yes it did turn out to be my naiveness as I engaged with the world, so I learned.
While there are narcissistic, abusive, unkind, and selfish men. But let’s not forget so are there women. Girls – daddy’s girls – are often taught to be the spoiled princesses of the home. “Pick a man who will give more, do more. Be strong in your opinions and are used to being waited on by their dads.” To those girls, I ask whether you want a healthy and great love story, and to those parents, I ask whether you wish happiness versus entitlement for your children.
The same goes for mommy’s boys. When your mother picks up after you, spoils you, and makes you the centre of her world because she’s seeking significance for love she may have missed or the times she may have been unseen in her life story – do you again want a supportive, kind and healthy love versus being labelled an arrogant, selfish man that will never have a strong woman by your side.
Entitlement is sowing so much chaos in the kind, gentle hearts of the unselfish givers of this world. Let me clarify while I’ve referenced mommy’s boys and daddy’s girls, this transcends gender. In its simplest form, there are two types of people in the world: the givers and the takers. The givers give without boundaries, and the takers take without shame, genuinely believing it’s their right.
As I hope my readers do (sounding like Lady Whistledown from Bridgerton), I really love sharing my real-life stories and experiences. For myself, I sit deep in reflection every day and when I share, I have healed, learned and grown, and more importantly, humans need to be vulnerable to impact each other free of judgment. Life is as much joyous as it is painful and when we share, we bond, we connect, and we smile more. For myself, being incredibly fascinated by studying literature and its characters, still loving and being influenced by Shakespeare, Emily Bronte, Thomas Hardy and Jane Austen, I was remarkably blind to the characters in my own story through life. I tried to save the villains, the purest of hearts remained, while others left when their chapters closed out. In my stories, I am celebrating the heroes in my days blessed for the richness and realness we share. I will embrace the villains in my stories, for they have probably grown me the most. I continue to navigate the great conflict between my mind and heart, both wanting equality and centre stage. So, dear reader, while there is no gossip or juiciness please keep reading.
I often go back to family… because our upbringing and values define us and in no way where we ever perfect. Breaking generational curses requires wisdom, willpower, and, sometimes, the humility to share our stories. (There is a very interesting piece of psychology that talks about attachment styles, an article for another day, my son being the subject matter expert of this piece, teaching me!) One day, I will write the saddest love story I have ever experienced – through the eyes of a daughter. For now, let me revert to the story of daddy’s girls who are not divas and a mommy’s boy who is not entitled.
My sister and I are the centre of my father’s world, but he never raised us to be selfish. He taught us to be respectful and kind, to work as a team, and how to compromise. My dad always called us out when necessary and gave us advice, knowing that teaching us how to have healthy relationships is a life skill and will be our biggest strength. He ensured we understood we should never settle for less than we deserve and that our home would always be a haven if anyone treated us unkindly. When I decided to close the chapter on my marriage, I went to my dad first. All he said was, “When you left home, I shed tears because your heart was in another man’s hands. If your heart is now breaking, come home.”
My brother is the light of my mum’s life. Their bond was untouchable, and my sister and I often fought for her attention. Growing up in a home of five, we always shared equally – and my brother would often get my mum’s share. His love for her and us girls taught him to be unselfish, chivalrous and respectful. He would help with house chores, because, as he saw it, you cannot love someone and watch them work, struggle, and never rest. He carried the laundry basket out each morning, talking to her as she hung the clothes. He took out the bins, moved the cars in and out of the garage, and packed and unpacked groceries from the car – always sharing. Even with two lawns to mow, he worked alongside my dad, talking and laughing as they shared the load.
Because love is sharing; love is unselfish. Love is about acknowledging each other and making choices that bring two people happiness. Yes, love has its conflicts, but it is not an entitlement. As a young woman, you aren’t entitled to pick a kind, young partner just to boost your ego and make other boys jealous. As a young man, girls are not objects – treat them as you would like someone to treat your sister. Be unselfish in your appreciation. Respect and ask for the privileges when you are truly ready and in love – not whilst you are still shopping in the mall.
And to the young boys: find girls who are like you. If you’re after someone who feeds your ego, find the arm candy. But if you want to build and grow, find a girl who deserves you, your best friend and build together.
Because, young or old, this is the most vital life skill you should have: know who you are and find a like-minded person who complements you. In the end, we all deserve love and companionship, for we are meant to be in pairs and packs. It’s the law of nature. But the consciousness of life is learning who truly belongs in your pack.
Good deserves good.
Kommentarer